Brass Knuckle Baptists

What is the favorite Southern Baptist activity? Eating, of course! It has been noticed by the staff that when The First Baptist Bar and Grill is closed on Sundays, Baptists are forced to go elsewhere for food. The single most popular Baptist food is barbecue. God help anyone who gets in their way. There is nothing more frightening, neither spiritually nor physically, than almost being mowed down by a car bearing the bumper sticker "God is my co-pilot".

12:00 pm - church lets out
12:01 pm - Baptists hit the road after a quick handshake and a smile
12:01 pm to 12:04 pm - ignoring the speed limits, hungry Baptists drive over other cars at breakneck speeds
12:05 pm - Baptists arrive at the local barbecue restaurant
12:06 pm - Baptists don their brass knuckles and the Barbecue Brawl ensues

It is amazing how people act as soon as they get out of church. After an hour or two of worship, they are now bloodthirsty. The same reckless behavior can also be seen between 10:50 and 11:00 am on Sundays when they are on their way to church. Maybe they woke up late. That would also explain why they are so voracious - no breakfast.

So, when they finally get to their precious barbecue, they're always in such a nasty mood. They sit at the table looking around mad, wearing their Sunday best still. Come now, surely you can't feel comfortable trying to eat in that! We know that you want everyone else to know that you've been to church, but the tie alone could choke you.

During our research of the Brass Knuckle Baptists, one set of researchers did not go to church, instead arriving early at the barbecue restaurant (11:30 am). After placing their orders, they just sat back and watched as little by little Baptists started filing in until they were lined up out the door and standing outside. Some of the Baptists in line looked at our researchers, who were happily eating their food, in utter dismay. They were shocked that someone had A: got THEIR barbecue and B: apparently did not go to church. What heretics!

Another set of researchers decided to at 12:15 pm just to see what carnage had ensued. These researchers did not even make it into the restaurant. Instead, when they pulled into the parking lot, they could see that the Baptists were backed up almost to the outside. As they approached the door, they received angry looks from several tie-clad Baptists on the inside as if to say "Get away from our food!"

To gain an edge on the Barbecue Brawl, some churches have started letting out at 11:30. That may seem like dirty tactics, but anything is fair when you're doing it in the name of the Lord.

staff out...

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