Matrix Reloaded

The Matrix Reloaded opened last Thursday to packed houses all across the nation. The only thing that could top this highly anticipated sequel is another highly anticipated sequel that brooding masses of Matrix fans will have to wait until November 5 of the same year for Matrix Revolutions to come out. I know it will be hard for them to wait that long, but it can be done.

It appears to be a marketing nightmare. First, an underated blockbuster hit in 1999, then four years before the sequel. Then the third installment a mere 6 months later. What were they thinking? Reloaded should have came out 2 years ago, striking while the iron was hot, so to speak. That would have fixed this entire mess. Or, if they wanted to be lesbians about it, just push back Revolutions another year or so.

Oh well, here's the staff's take on Reloaded:

Matrix Recrapped
The Matrix has you...confused.

Wake up Neo. We know this movie is boring, but wake up anyway. We need you to obnoxiously shove your tongue down Trinity's throat some more.

Well Matrix Reloaded came out last week and so far the entire staff wishes they had stayed home and downloaded this one instead of paying to see it. Half of the movie is filmed in slow motion "bullet time" and the other half of it is Neo making out with Trinity. In every single scene, except one, where Neo and Trinity are together, they are making out. Not just a kiss here and there, but full tongue-on-tongue, hand-on-ass action. During the one scene they were in together that they weren't practically humping each other, Neo was kissing some French hooker while Trinity watched.

Speaking of the French, what the hell is this gay French guy's purpose in the movie? No one really knows. No one really cares to find out either. The coolest thing about him is the gay twins that he has working for him.

Zion should be destroyed. All Zion is is a big wet T-shirt contest. It's a frickin' orgy. Plus it looks like Fragglerock. Kill them, kill them all.

The Oracle likes candy.

What's up with the Keymaker? Did he grind the key for the motorcycle in his ass? Everyone sighed when he got shot, but hey, he served his purpose.

Neo gets to meet the maker of the Matrix. It's Colenol Sanders. During this scene, the Col. starts to describe some aspects of the Matrix in a pretty fast voice. I literally heard 42 heads explode in the theater around me. But the real question boils down to: Original Recipe or Extra Crispy?

It turns out that Neo has powers in "the real world" as he is able to blast a few robots. So what does this mean? A Matrix within a Matrix? A world where people only think they're waking up and finding out that the world they lived in was a sham? God I want my money back.

The choice for me to not see this movie again has already been made for me. The only thing I have to do now is realize that.

Place your vote in Round 2 of the Battle of the Stars!

staff out...

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