Driving
11/21/02
The purpose of today's update is to inform you of a few helpful driving techniques at your disposal. Not only is it important to be a defensive driver in today's world, but it is also important to be an offensive driver. In fact, the more offensive, the better. Here are some of the techniques specifically designed by the staff of ekajsmash and Uber12yearold Inc. to piss off your fellow drivers.

The European Box
Another name for The European Box technique is The Matrix because it is all about control. In the diagram, Car A is employing The European Box to limit Car C's movement. Car A takes advantage of the fact that Car B is going slow. He drives with his front wheels almost even with the rear wheels of Car B. The red box depicts the area that Car C is confined to, hence the name. He can't speed up to pass Car A because Car B is directly in front of him. He can't change lanes to pass Car B because of Car A's location. Thus, he has fallen victim to The European Box. This technique is particularly valuable to use against the kind of speed demons who think that they must get to their destination a fraction of a second earlier than they would have by going the speed limit.

The Great Wall
The Great Wall is very similar to The European Box. However, it requires a great deal more skill and effort. Whereas in The European Box, Car A is near the rear of Car B, now he must drive at exactly the same speed as Car B and he must stay completely even with him. Although Car C may speed up and ride the bumper of Car B in order to show his disapproval and anger, it will not help because he is not going anywhere. Even if Car B gives in and does speed up, Car A will simply match his speed so that Car C still can not pass. If Car C changes lanes, he is confronted with Car A where he is no better off. It is great to see the look of frustration on the face of the driver of Car C when he realizes that he is behind The Great Wall. This technique is best executed when Cars A and B are working together as a team. A wall of defense is created behind them (see the red line below).

The Slow God
The Slow God thrives on two-laned roads. The methodology behind The Slow God technique is simple. All you have to do is get in front of everyone else and drop your speed to a maximum of the speed limit, usually a good 10 mph below even. Remember, just because 40 mph is the limit, it doesn't mean that you have to drive that fast. Often, the goal of The Slow God is to see how long of a parade that he can form (see Cars B and C). It seems like the automobile of The Slow God has only two gears - slow and slower. However, once the road widens into a four lane, he miraculously finds another gear - fly! It is common to see a Slow God driving as fast as 90 mph in an effort to ensure his spot at the top when the road narrows back down. A Slow God may also find a gear similar to fly if at any time there is not a double yellow line and he feels threatened. Slow Gods enjoy doing their best Gandalf "YOU CANNOT PASS!!!" impersonation. The bane of The Slow God is the Interstate.

The Irish Whip
The Irish Whip is the only known defensive maneuver that a normal driver has against The Slow God. Simply put, it is passing on double yellow lines. To employ this technique, Car B must lull Car A, The Slow God, into a false sense of security. He must act completely defeated and given into the fact that he is now part of the parade. Then, from out of nowhere, Car B must lay on the gas in an effort to whip around Car A. This will highly piss off Car A, The Slow God, because he wasn't expecting it and it just shortened his parade. Beware the wrath of The Slow God as he may call for reinforcements. Just as you pass one Slow God, it seems there is always another ready to take his place.

The Everlasting Turn
The Everlasting Turn is mostly employed by elderly gentlemen who prefer to drive trucks from the 70's that aren't in the best of condition. They wear overalls, very thick glasses and a baseball hat perched ever-so-delicately upon their head. If you ever pass them, you may note that their mouth gapes open and they look nowhere but straight ahead. He is probably listening to his favorite country music artist, Rusty Bumpers. The theory behind The Everlasting Turn is to turn your right blinker on and never turn it off. Then about 30 minutes later, when people think they have caught on to your game, make a left-hand turn.

The Exclamation Point
The Exclamation Point is so named for a few reasons. Car A travels at a normal speed with Car B behind him, also traveling at a normal speed. Then, all of a sudden, Car A slams on the breaks and the blinker at the same time. This is particularly effective when Car B is tailgating. When properly executed, both cars leave a trail of tire marks on the road, ending with the car itself (it looks like an exclamation point). Also, this maneuver causes the driver of Car B to shout many phrases ending with an exclamation point. What fun!



staff out...

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