TAURUS April 20 to May 20
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you see the good in everyone and are trusting. In other words, you're a dumbfuck without even the common sense of a carrot. You will never amount to anything. Most Taureans are living on welfare. You will either end your days bitter and alone, having been betrayed by everyone you ever trusted, or your wife will murder you for the insurance and shack up with your brother. This month you will make a new friend who has the potential to be your longed for soul mate. However, your wife will seduce him, and both of them will laugh their asses off at you - while he drinks your beer in your bed. You're a fucking loser.

GEMINI May 21 to June 21
You are likely to get into yet another futile chat room argument with a Bi-girl trying to convince her that she is actually "Just another fucking dyke who thinks it's trendier to be called Bi on the freakin' net." As usual, you will lose this argument, as the simple fact is: Bi is a trendy label, and dyke isn't. Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply put, you're a manic-depressive schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo. The type of person who'd kill his/her own self to win a bet. This month, you are likely to be busy furthering a passionate carnal relationship with a latex sex toy. Either that, or your neighbors dog will develop a rabid fear of you and an aversion to the scent of Vaseline.

CANCER June 22 to July 22
Your offline relationships are suffering, but you just can't seem to figure out why. Could it be because they don't exist anymore? Saying "Good morning" to the Postman once every two months or so cannot be accurately described as a "social life"; no matter how desperate you are to convince yourself that you still have one. Things are not looking any better for your online relationships: you are likely to be IM'd by affection-starved Internet She-beasts seeking new people to stalk and drain the humanity out of. You have a businesslike attitude in life and a knack for making money. In other words, you're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell his Mother's kidneys to make a few extra bucks. People generally detest you and they are absolutely correct in their estimation of you. The heavens suggest that you are likely to be murdered and your body disposed of in several trash cans. This will cause much joy and celebration in the lives of all who know you.

LEO July 23 to August 22
This month, you will clumsily mount your moral high horse by condemning a friend for 'stooping' to ridicule a member of your family. However, having both the logic of a pathological schizoid and the hypocrisy of a whoremongering preacher, you will quickly slide off the saddle and land bulbous nose first into a freshly dropped cow patch by cursing your friend's mother with, "May the horses break their harnesses trying to pull my dick out of your mother!!" This is a good month to do yourself and everyone else a favor, and hang yourself.

VIRGO August 23 to September 22
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them, but you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually homosexual and the majority of Virgo women are whores. This week is a good time to start that masturbating marathon you want to record on your web cam. An older loved one may be having problems and require your support. Therefore, you should avoid older loved one's for the remainder of this month.

LIBRA September 23 to October 22
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you a doormat for every pathological fuck-up on this side of the Missouri. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral. This month a stranger will borrow your car and tell you straight out he has no intention of returning it. As usual, you are likely to smile and say, "You're welcome."

SCORPIO October 23 to November 21
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However, those are your only good points. You have an insatiable curiosity and a strong desire to try new things, probably because your life is a shit hole in the middle of nowhere - a one-horse-town with no horse. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet or try bungee jumping with the cord tied around your neck. Your romance life is not looking good either. You should dump your girlfriend before she dumps you later in the month.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 to December 21
Unlike other signs this week, Pluto will conjoin the solar eclipse next Wednesday and seriously fuck your day up. Thursday, you'll think a thousand priests just fucked you up the ass. You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to be addicted to fetish pornography and import German sex toys. Purchasing that packet of condoms shows that you're foolishly optimistic about your chances of a romp in the sack this month. You seriously need to consider mail-ordering a bride from some impoverished country in Eastern Europe.

CAPRICORN December 22 to January 19
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet, reflective type. A mean self-centered cunt and a closet homosexual. Your best (and only) friend is probably your mother. It's a great month for adventure. The sky is the limit, so get ahead and do all the crazy things you always wanted to do. Of course, you won't enjoy any of it and all of your ambitions are likely to end in failure and bitter disillusionment, but don't let that stop you - it will give you plenty more things to brood 'reflectively' about.

AQUARIUS January 20 to February 18
Aquarians tend to be anal-retentive. No, wait - that's Librarians. Aquarians are the eternal optimists, seeing the best of any situation. In short, you have no grasp of reality and live in a complete fantasy world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. This month is not a good time to start a new relationship. If you do, you are likely to have your first experience of transsexual sex while in a drugged condition. Watch out for the safety of your things if you are in public places. Avoid a double-crossing Libran.

PISCES February 19 to March 20
It's not looking good. You will start the day bright-eyed and bushy-tailed doing energetic push-ups...alas, you won't see the mouse trap until it is too late. You are likely to break some ribs while trying out some of the solo positions from the Kama Sutra after a session of meth-snorting. You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are a cold-hearted son-of-a-bitch and an absolute pervert, at the very least, a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights. This is a good month to give your sister back her panties before she discovers the theft and confronts you about it in front of your friends.

ARIES March 21 to April 19
This month will see Pluto move behind Uranus. Exactly what Pluto will do behind Uranus is anybody's guess, but the video should ship for about $19.99. You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically, you don't give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you, but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a funeral and then make a pass at the bereaved. Someone to whom you owe money to is likely to beat the shit out of you this month. No one will send you a 'Get Well' card. Your Mother will send a 'Thank You' card to the guy who did it.

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