If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.

If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle.
If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.

If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the
wall with your shoulder.

If you are sprayed with an unknown substance,
stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.

Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!

The proper way to eliminate smallpox
is to wash with soap, water and at least
one (1) armless hand.

Michael Jackson is a terrorist.
If you spot this smooth criminal with dead,
dead eyes, run the fuck away.

Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard
symbol have a lot in common.
Think about it.

Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye
and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their
hands together manically.

If a door is closed, karate chop it open.

If your building collapses, give yourself
a blowjob while waiting to be rescued.

Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible
with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds,
however, you may become sterile.

After exposure to radiation it is
important to consider that you may have
mutated to gigantic dimensions:
watch your head.

If you've become a radiation mutant with a
deformed hand, remember to close the window.
No one wants to see that shit.

If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton
or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.

If your lungs and stomach start talking,
stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.

If you are trapped under falling debris,
conserve oxygen by not farting.

If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack,
do not stop to look for it.

Do not drive a stations wagon
if a power pole is protruding from the hood.

A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be
sufficient protection against radiation.

Always remember to carry food with you during a
terrorist attack. At least you'll be able to enjoy
a nice coke and apple before you die.