The final chapter in Peter Jackson's version of the Lord of the Rings trilogy opened in the US yesterday to hordes of people cramming into the theaters in hopes of getting a good seat. This is the movie that millions of fanboys have been anticipating for 2 years now. So, is it worth going to see? Yes.

Return of the King may not have all the magic that Fellowship of the Ring had, but it does tie up most of the loose ends. Expect the rest of the loose ends, like the whereabouts of Sauroman, to be tied up in the extended version.

It seemed that almost everyone over 3' tall had a smaller role in this film. It was strange, but the king who was supposed to be returning had less screen time in this film than either of its two predecessors. He does swoop in at the last heading up an army of the undead which mows through thousands of orcs. Ian McKellan reprises his role as Gandalf the Gay, but still also doesn't have as much screen time as in the first two, nor does he kick as much ass. Orlando Bloom is still Legolas, of course. One thing about Legolas, he is designed so that we should like him. He is a badass. His technique is flawless. So about 90% of the people out there would say that Legolas is their favorite character and about 99.9% would like him. No shit. Quit telling us that you like Legolas. You are SUPPOSED to like him. Saying that you don't like Legolas is like saying you don't like puppy dogs or chocolate. So, you should hate him just because he IS so damned perfect.

There was one newcomer to the LotR cast though - our old friend Sloth of Goonies fame assumes leadership of the orcs. Lurtz sucked. Forget about Sauroman. "Hey you guys!" Sloth kicks ass.

The theater was packed with all kinds of fanboys, and even a few females. This caused a problem with two of the scenes: when the daughter of Theodan cuts off a flying demon's head and when Legolas takes down an elephant (yes, "elephant"; Tolkien must've been all out of the imagination drugs when he thought up "oliphant") by himself. The problem was that when these happened, the audience clapped. Clapped! That's right, about half of the jackasses there actually clapped! For fucking what?!? The creator of the film wasn't there. Tolkein wasn't there. The actors weren't there. So who gets to hear this dog shit? ME! To get even with these morons, Researcher B and I clapped when Frodo got his finger bit off by Golum. This confused and upset most of the goons in attendance.

Oh well, here are five lessons learned from this movie:
1. Ghosts kick ass
2. Bilbo is really freakin' old
3. We should try to hate Legolas
4. I still hate CG characters
5. People are stupid


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